


Out of the Deep - Puberty

by riseofthefallenone



Series: Out of the Deep [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Gen, Mermaids, Mermen, Peer Pressure, Wee bit of angst, merfolk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-26
Updated: 2014-04-26
Packaged: 2018-01-20 19:36:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1523078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riseofthefallenone/pseuds/riseofthefallenone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nine years before Castiel's first trip to the light-beds with his brothers, he finds himself in a sticky situation. At the young age of twenty-two seasons, he and the other fin-kin of his birth-season are starting to develop into the young adults they'll soon be. The problem? He's convinced that he's broken.</p><p>A semi-prequel to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/548878">Out of the Deep.</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	Out of the Deep - Puberty

**Author's Note:**

> This is sort of a prequel to Out of the Deep. It’s set roughly 9 years before the start of OotD. Because they count time in a different way than we do, here’s a little breakdown of their terms: 
> 
> \- mating season (aka: breeding season) happens every 5 years  
> \- season = period of roughly 6 months  
> \- rotation = period of roughly 1 week

They’re talking about _it_ again.

Castiel huffs water through his gills and rests his chin on the back of his hands, staring out into the dark depths of their trench from his sleep-groove. As grateful as he is to be a part of the closed conversation Gabriel and Balthazar are having nearly on top of him, it’s hard to appreciate it when he never has anything to contribute to their choice of topic for the evening.

Their nest-shelf has been his for nearly a season now since Balthazar moved away to take over an abandoned shelf higher up the trench. Despite that, Castiel never seems to be alone on it. Either Balthazar, or Anna are here to visit him, or Gabriel manages to drag Lucifer back to stretch out in their old grooves and spend time with him.

It’s not that Castiel doesn’t appreciate spending time with his siblings. In fact, he loves it. Now that they’re growing up, they don’t get to spend as much time together. Especially not with Michael already being groomed to take over Father’s position as the head of the council. What Castiel doesn’t understand is why his siblings feel the need to keep him company all the time when _they_ were the ones who moved away first. As the youngest, having been born just over four rotations after the oldest, Michael, it’s no surprise that Castiel is the last one still on their nest-shelf.

Mother, before her death, had told Castiel there was nothing wrong with being the last one on the nest-shelf. She even told him that it was perfectly alright to keep it as his personal sleep-shelf. But Castiel knows if he does that, Gabriel will never stop teasing him about it. He’ll never be able to leave behind the title of _‘the baby of the family’_ if he stays among  the lower shelves of the trench.

When their nest had first started hatching, there hadn’t been any open shelves near their parents’ sleep-shelf. They had been forced to take a shelf closer to the vent where the nest-maids could help in watching over their nest while still keeping an eye on the un-hatched eggs. And that just means that even at twenty-two seasons old, Castiel is still being called a child by others born during the same birth-season as his nest.

Most young ones move to their own shelves when they’re around twenty seasons old. Michael had his own at eighteen, but that’s because so much is expected of him and Father had insisted he do it. Mother hadn’t liked it, but Michael leaving meant that Lucifer wasn’t far behind him. And not to be outdone, Gabriel had left soon after. Anna and Balthazar stayed behind longer, to keep Castiel company, but now they’re both gone too.

If Castiel wants to avoid being teased, he really should find one of his own. It’s bad enough that he’s still on their nest-shelf. It’s worse that it’s directly above the hatchery and still warmed by the volcanic vent running along the bottom of their home trench. He needs to find an abandoned one or carve one of his own. But he has so many memories of this shelf and he doesn’t want to abandon it. Leaving it means that when the next mating season comes in eight more seasons, some other new family might take it over as their own.

To be completely honest, Castiel dreads the coming mating season more than he does giving up his nest-shelf. He would probably forget soon enough the sadness of leaving the shelf he grew up on, but he’ll never be able to escape the mating season. It comes around every ten seasons and it’s all anyone his age seems to be talking about.

At twenty-two seasons, they’re reaching the point in their lives when their bodies change and mature so that they may start participating in the mating season in eight seasons time. It will be the third since Castiel’s birth-season when he was conceived. He and the others born in the same season were told all about puberty a few rotations ago. Castiel can clearly remember the lectures their groups were given that day be the elders who teach their classes.

Both males and females will start to grow to their adult sizes, hopefully reaching them before the mating season arrives. While they were taught what sex is, it was also explained to them the changes they’ll experience. The females’ breasts will grow and the males will start growing facial hair as everyone gets stronger. Depending on the exercises they do, individual members of either gender will start to gain muscle mass faster.

That part Castiel doesn’t mind so much. It’s completely acceptable. The only thing that he takes issue with is how difficult it is going to be for the males. The females will be thrown off balance while they swim because of their growing breasts, but they’ll be able to bind them or they’ll just adjust accordingly and get used to it. For the males, it’s something far more annoying – in Castiel’s opinion.

Between now and the mating season, the males will start to experience sexual arousal. Either because of visual stimuli from a female doing something they find attractive, or for no reason at all beyond that their body simply wants it. Already a few of the males from his birth-season have experienced an erection either during their lessons or while playing.

There’s no shame in having to excuse oneself to take care of it. In fact, Castiel is envious and wishes it would have happened to him already. Gabriel was excited for his first erection. It happened on his sleep-shelf as he was preparing to go to sleep. Balthazar and Castiel haven’t had one yet, and they don’t know if Lucifer or Michael have either, but Castiel wouldn’t be surprised if they did.

It’s been such a short amount of time since they learned about the changes they’ll be experiencing and already Castiel knows that something is wrong. Not in general, but with _himself_ specifically. He isn’t worried about not having experienced an erection yet. Rather, it’s the topic of the conversation his brothers are currently having that makes him uneasy.

Females. They’re talking about which females are showing signs of development already, and who they think is the most alluring. It’s a popular thing to talk about amongst the males their age and Castiel is sick of hearing about it. He’s tired of listening and never having anything to contribute. Where Gabriel likes the way Hael’s adipose fins ripple, Castiel sees nothing but an unconscious movement to keep herself floating in one place while she spends time with her friends. Balthazar talks about how Muriel’s breasts are growing faster than the other females and Castiel can’t even bring himself to care.

Something must be wrong with him if he isn’t finding any of the females attractive in the same way his brothers are. To Castiel, the females look the same as they always have. He’s known them since birth and many of them are his friends. The thought of having sex with any of them is just as appealing to Castiel as having sex with his Anna, his sister. Which is to say, completely unappealing.

While he stifles a yawn, he wonders how long it’s going to take for Balthazar and Gabriel to finish talking and either lay down in their old sleep-grooves or return to their own sleep-shelves. He’s tired and he doesn’t want to keep hearing the same conversation over and over. Of course Castiel is aware that they’re not repeating verbatim, but it all sounds the same to him now. If asked, he might not even be able to tell them who they’re talking about right now. That’s how little attention he’s paying – not for lack of trying though.

There’s a sharp tug at one of his back-fans and Castiel glances over his shoulder at Balthazar. _(What?)_

_(You haven’t said who you like best yet.)_

Gabriel leans heavily against Balthazar’s side, his glow brightening to help light the shelf. _(Has anyone caught our little Cassie’s attention yet?)_

He rolls his eyes and looks away again. _(No.)_ The kin-connection is firm with his truth, leaving no room for them to broach an argument. If there had been any falsehood to his statement, they might have started teasing him to get a proper answer.

Castiel flares his fans out of Balthazar’s grip when he tries tugging again. His irritation rolls through the kin-connection like a wave and his tail twists against the stone of the shelf. _(It’s getting late and we’re learning more advanced sword techniques tomorrow. You should go to sleep soon.)_

 _(You’re such a spoilsport.)_ Gabriel sighs, his grumble echoing in the water too.

 _(But he has a point.)_ Balthazar muffles a yawn and slides away to the edge of the shelf. _(If we don’t get to our own shelves soon, Anna might come looking for us.)_

Amusement twists along Gabriel’s thoughts. _(Oh no, not_ Anna _! Whatever would we do?)_ He fakes a dramatic faint over the edge of the shelf and rises again, laughing. _(Get your own shelf soon, Cassie! It’s too far a swim for us.)_

 _(Good night, Gabriel. Balthazar.)_ Castiel turns onto his side, presenting them with his back. He can feel their amusement dry up in the kin-connection, only to be replaced by a tremor of worry.

It’s not his intention to be short with his brothers now. He loves them both dearly and he would’ve appreciated their visit and invited them to stay the night if he hadn’t already been troubled before they arrived. Earlier today, when he watched Uriel swim away from their history class to tend to his own erection, a worrying thought had occurred to him.

What if he never manages to have an erection of his own because he doesn’t have any interest in the females? Is he just slower than the others? He was the last to hatch of his nest, but it wasn’t distressingly late or anything. His hatching was just fine so it couldn’t have caused anything to be wrong with him. By that logic, the problem is _him_. Maybe he’s broken.

The thought scares Castiel and keeps him awake late into the night, even after the glow of his kin through the trench has dimmed in their sleep.

*

With little else to do, Castiel throws himself into his training. Maybe, if he’s the best at everything he does, no one will notice that his body isn’t reacting to the females in the same way his friends and brothers are. It’s a good plan in theory, and focusing on his training with the sword and the various weapons of the colony does keep his mind off of all his worries.

On one of their free days from classes, when the children spend their time racing each other from one end of the trench to the other and exploring every nook and cranny, Castiel decides it’s time to move from their nest-shelf. Maybe leaving it might kick his brain into thinking like it’s supposed to. He can’t really grow up if he never leaves the shelf where he was only ever a child.

Balthazar helps him pick one of the many spare shelves. It’s close to his and a few rows below Gabriel’s while a few above Lucifer’s. Michael and Anna have shelves on the other wall of the trench. As it is with picking a pre-owned shelf, the sleep-groove on doesn’t quite fit Castiel properly. He thinks it must have belonged to a female once, because it just barely fits him now and it’s not as comfortable as the large groove he’s been curling in every night on the nest-shelf. He still has plenty of growing to do and he’ll outgrow this one eventually.

 _(We can find you a different one.)_ Balthazar suggests, settling himself in the groove. He’s the same size as Castiel and even he doesn’t look very comfortable in it.

 _(No, I like this one)_ Castiel shakes his head and sets exploring the edges along the wall of the trench with his hands and his echoes. A very small part of the shelf is actually dug into the wall, giving it a little overhang. In one corner there’s a large rock and he pulls it aside to find a shallow hole for storing his treasures. He has very few of them, mostly trinkets he’s won in races with the others, but now he’ll have a place to put them.

Castiel doesn’t want to tell Balthazar that he doesn’t mind that he’ll have to carve out the sleep groove to fit him better. It’s just another thing he’ll be able to do to keep himself busy. The busier Castiel is, the less likely he’ll stop to worry about this difference in him. Not many of the males have been accidentally aroused, but he’s been tracking it in his head and it’s getting more frequent. Soon someone might notice and he’s been trying so hard not to be worried that his body won’t respond like it’s supposed to.

After one night of sleeping in the small groove, Castiel starts spending every free moment he has sitting on his shelf with a carving stone, scraping away at the groove to make it wider and more comfortable. It’s here that Anna finds him one day and she swims a circle around him lazily, watching his motions in the light of their combined glow and her echoes.

 _(Is this where you’ve been keeping yourself, little one?)_ She brushes his back-fans with her hand on her final loop before she settles on the curl of her tail next to him. Her red hair fans around her head, moving with every twitch of her side-fans.

Castiel gives his only sister a small smile. She’s the only one of his siblings who calls him that, despite how he’s barely two rotations younger than her. _(It’s not quite comfortable yet. Almost.)_

 _(When it’s done, are you finally going to come play with everyone again?)_ Anna grins, folding her tail up so she can rest her elbows on it and prop her chin in her hands. _(All my friends have been asking me when my cute brother is going to come swim with us.)_

His fans flare in surprise and he carefully avoids looking at her. _(How do you know they weren’t talking about one of your other four brothers?)_

 _(They asked for you by_ name _, Castiel.)_ She huffs and fond annoyance filters into the kin-connection. _(And they made sure to show me just who they were talking about.)_ She looks away for a moment. _(Barachiel found a new cavern at the far end of the trench. We’re all going exploring on our next break. You’ll come with us, won’t you?)_

He shakes his head and focuses on chipping away at the edges of his groove with one side of the stone before smoothing the rough nicks with the other side. _(Your friends have never asked for me before. Why would they do it now?)_

_(Because they think you’re cute.)_

Somehow, that doesn’t make him feel any better. Castiel shakes his head again. _(I won’t be done my groove by then and I still have the rest of my shelf to arrange to my preferences.)_

 _(You can take a break from it, can’t you?)_ She slides closer and leans against his side, trying to get him to look at her pleading expression. _(You’ll make their day if you agree to come.)_

There’s more to this than just what she’s saying. Castiel can feel it in the kin-connection, hiding behind her words. He stops long enough to look up at her and give her a narrow-eyed stare. _(What aren’t you telling me, Anna?)_

Huffing water through her gills, she pulls away again and crosses her arms. _(It’s nothing.)_

 _(You’re lying.)_ He can sense it in the kin-connection and it sends a spike of worry into his heart. What could his _sister_ have to hide from him?

 _(Oh, fine. You’ll probably find out from one of the males eventually.)_ Anna sighs and flips onto her stomach, stretching her tail out until her end-fans hang over the edge of the shelf. _(They want to see your penis.)_

Castiel nearly drops the rock in his hands. _(Excuse me?)_

 _(Not just_ yours _. All the males.)_ She shrugs and crosses her arms to rest her chin on them. _(Just from listening to Balthazar and Gabriel, I know that all you males are obsessed with us females. You can’t stop talking about us.)_

He hides the wave of relief behind several walls. That means Anna hasn’t noticed anything wrong with him, and she hasn’t noticed that he’s never joined in the conversations about the females before. Maybe he _can_ get through these coming seasons without anyone noticing.

 _(It’s kind of boring, actually.)_ Anna sighs and the spines of her back-fan flex in annoyance. _(All they ever want to talk about is which males have been aroused and who has the biggest and brightest. I wish we’d talk about something else already.)_

 _(Not even the males compare our penises.)_ Castiel points out, quietly appalled at what the females talk about. It hadn’t occurred to him that they might be keeping track of who has and hasn’t been seen so far. _(Why are they even interested in that?)_

 _(So we know who would be a good mate in the future.)_ She shrugs again and gives him a wry smile. _(Of course we’re taking other things into account. We want strong children, after all.)_

He shakes his head and chips absently at a stubborn spot in the groove. Learning this has only soured his mood. _(I don’t see why anyone needs to be thinking about that now. We’re still children and we have almost eight seasons until the mating season.)_

Anna pushes herself up, beating her tail against the shelf once to slide forward and settle into a part of the grove he’s not working on. She pulses concern into the kin-connection, touching lightly against the frustration building along the edges of his mind. _(What’s wrong, little one?)_

 _(I just think it’s silly to worry about mating and breeding when we’re still children.)_ He throws his rock down and looks away. _(We should be focusing on our studies and learning the ways of the colony and how to protect ourselves and our kin instead of worrying over who has the biggest and brightest penis.)_

That’s only part of his feelings on it and Castiel knows that Anna can feel that he’s holding back. Her touch through the kin-connection probes further, curiosity and concern making waves against the walls his true fears are hidden behind. Castiel isn’t ready to talk about his worries. He doesn’t want to make her worried either. And it’s possible that he really is just developing slower than the others his age. If that’s the case, it might be another few rotations, maybe even a whole season, before he starts to see the females the same way his brothers do.

 _(I’m hungry.)_ Castiel’s adipose fins ripple as he uncurls from the shelf and pushes off with his hands and tail, rising up before diving toward the caves where they gather clams and kelp to eat.

Anna pulses one last bolt of concern into his head before Castiel shuts her out. He seals his mind from the colony, leaving nothing but the bare sense that he isn’t alone in the ocean. It might be a concern to anybody he passes, but he doesn’t want to talk to anyone. All Castiel wants is to forget the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that there’s something different about him.

*

Castiel is on his way back from expelling his waste and burying it in the sand when he’s all but ambushed by his brothers. It’s been a while since he’s seen Michael and even longer since he’s seen all four of his brothers in the same place at the same time. He doesn’t like the ominous feeling he gets when they swim up around him, even if Balthazar throws his arm over his shoulder in a gesture of friendly camaraderie.

_(What’s going on?)_

_(So blunt, Castiel.)_ Lucifer shakes his head and gives Michael an unreadable look. _(It’s like we can’t gather as siblings anymore, hm?)_

Michael shrugs and curves into place at Castiel’s other side, taking him by the elbow. _(I’m taking a break from Father’s training at Anna’s insistence. Let’s use this time wisely.)_

Trepidation builds behind Castiel’s ribs and he glances at Gabriel. He’s usually always smiling and laughing about something, but there’s nothing but a thin stream of worry flickering through the kin-connection from him. His confusion is only answered with concern from everyone as he’s all but pulled down to Michael’s shelf.

This is the shelf of the future leader of their colony and Castiel isn’t at all surprised that it’s larger than his own. It was gifted to him from their father, reserved for his first born. Apparently it once belonged to their grandmother. She led the colony before Father, and Michael will take his place after him.

No one has mentioned it, but that might be sooner than anyone wants. It’s hasn’t even been a whole season since Mother’s death. She had been a strong warrior, but sometimes not even a fin-kin can hold up against a shark, especially while trying to protect an injured friend. Mother and Father were bond-mates and everyone knows what happens when one half of a bond dies. It’s only a matter of time before Father loses his mind.

He’s half a fin-kin now. Castiel doesn’t see him often because of his duties with the council and with training Michael, but even he knows – purely from colony gossip – that he’s been changing. It’s fear that keeps Castiel from asking Michael now whether the rumours are true or not.

 _(You’re making Anna worried.)_ Gabriel gets right to the point the moment everyone settles on Michael’s sleep-shelf. _(She wants us to talk to you.)_

 _(There’s nothing to talk about.)_ Castiel shrugs and folds his tail to his chest, wrapping his arms around it.

 _(She doesn’t seem to think so.)_ Lucifer slides into Michael’s sleep-groove, completely ignoring the dirty look it gets him. _(Anna thinks it’s a male thing and, as your brothers, we should talk to you about it.)_

He shakes his head. _(There’s nothing to talk about.)_

Balthazar touches Castiel’s elbow lightly to get his attention. _(Are you sure? It feels like there_ is _something to talk about and it’s just_ you _not_ wanting _to talk about it.)_

Castiel huffs and looks away, though it’s hard not to look at anyone as they sit around him in a circle. He wonders, if he sang his echoes into the open water above them, if he would find Anna circling distantly. She’s somewhere in the colony trench, and they’re linked by the kin-connection, but it would take quite a bit of concentration to sift through the stream of consciousness to specifically find her thoughts.

Michael leans forward over the curl of his own tail and lays his hand on the bend of Castiel’s scales. _(Anna shared with us the memories of her talk with you. Why is this upsetting for you?)_

 _(It’s not upsetting.)_ He huffs again, adipose-fins rippling with barely contained annoyance. As much as he appreciates knowing that his family is here for him, he doesn’t like being ambushed or cornered like this. And he most definitely does not want to draw attention to how something might be wrong with him. _(I just think it’s silly.)_

 _(Puberty isn’t silly, Castiel.)_ Lucifer pouts out, stretching in the groove. He’s surprisingly laid back right now and Castiel suspects he’s doing it just to annoy Michael.

_(It is when it’s all anyone talks or thinks about. In a few seasons it’ll all be over and done with, so I don’t see the point of making such a fuss about it now.)_

Balthazar sighs and puts his arm around Castiel’s shoulders again as he leans into his side. _(Oh, Cassie. My poor, sweet Cassie. We may stop growing and changing when we reach adulthood, but what happens now is going to affect us for the rest of our lives.)_

 _(He's right.)_ Gabriel drags himself forward to sit on Castiel's other side. _(All the changes we're going to go through is going to totally affect how we act afterward. Even after the mating season. Didn't you hear the elders saying that we're going to get more aggressive? The changes are going to make us think about finding mates and continuing the species and that's never going to go away. We're going to want to mate even outside of the mating season, it's going to be_ that _big of a change for us.)_

Lucifer actually sits up and he fixes Castiel with a warm smile. _(It's nothing to be afraid of. Everyone is going to go through it, even the females. We're going to be changing on the outside and the inside, and it's just another part of life.)_

His upper lip curls back in a snarl. _(I'm not_ afraid _.)_ The untruth in the statement is obvious to anyone listening, even if their conversation is a private link between the five of them. Whether or not his brothers need to know exactly what it is that he's afraid of is a question that Castiel can't ask of himself or them.

In a flurry, Castiel breaks away from Balthazar and Gabriel. His tail beats hard against the shelf, hard enough for him to wince, as he rises above them all. _(I'm not afraid and you don't need to worry about me. Now, I need to get back to the mines. I'm learning how to tell the ores apart today.)_

Without another word, he shuts them from the kin-connection and swims away. This is only going to make the problem worse, but he can't stand being cornered like that. Especially when Castiel isn't ready to face his worries on his own, let alone with his brothers.

*

The females are starting to get ridiculous.

Even others aside from Castiel are able to see it. Some of the other males his age have already complained about the game the females are playing. Anna has admitted to him privately that the females purposefully act flirtatious to entice a reaction. Simply waiting for a male to accidentally have an erection during lessons or in public wasn't enough anymore. It was taking too long, according to Anna, and the females have taken it into their own hands to the point of actually rubbing up against some of the males during sparring to get the chance to see what they have.

It's a twisted game and Castiel doesn't like it for a multitude of reasons. Even if it makes sense that they'd want to know which males will be the most virile, he doesn't quite understand why that means the females have to see their penises _now_. They know from their lessons that their natural glows, when forced to shine their brightest, are enough to show their virility.

But it's their _game_. Anna took Castiel aside and explained it all to him in the hopes that it would help with his worries about puberty. It didn't, of course. Knowing that the females are trying to keep themselves entertained by seeing who can get the most males aroused doesn't do anything to help his fear that one day they'll try it on him and he won't have any reaction. He'll be the first male not to be aroused by them and everyone is going to label him a freak. His lack of an attraction to the females is going to scare them all away from him and he's going to be alone the rest of his life.

It's a heavy weight to bear for one his age and Castiel knows that it has started to affect his moods. His siblings and friends have noticed too. Even Gabriel's helpful hint that the females only do it to a male once before they leave him alone hasn't done anything to lift his spirits. Castiel wishes it was that easy, but there's a sinking fear in his stomach that his difference is going to be discovered and it might bring shame to his family.

The females' game has led the males to traveling in packs to protect one another. Castiel only wishes it was for the same reason as him. Very few of the males actually dislike the game. Just from listening to the conversations of his friends, Castiel has already learned that most of them don't actually mind what the females are doing. In fact, a good deal of them are playing their own game by making it harder for the females to entice them.

Castiel used to like games. Now he hates them. At least he can take solace in the fact that his only sister isn't a part of it. Michael took her aside not long after the game was discovered and gave her a lecture about how uncomfortable it's making Castiel feel. It's supposedly only a coincidence that the lecture came after he fell victim to the females’ antics.

Anna has started swimming with him in an attempt to ward off the other females. They haven’t done anything to him yet, so it seems to be working.

She's swimming with him now, coasting above the sand with lazy flicks of her tail to find a nice spot for them to clean their scales. _(He didn't have to be so short with me, y'know.)_ Anna hasn't stopped complaining about Michael's lecture since she was given it. _(I tried explaining that the others were very impressed with him when he had an erection during sparring. Rachel hasn't stopped bragging that she managed to arouse the next colony leader.)_

 _(You expected that to be a consolation to him?)_ Castiel asks, gesturing at one of his favourite spots by a large rock.

 _(Well,_ yeah _.)_ Anna's agreement flows through the kin-connection and they draw up short to settle in the sand on their backs. _(Wouldn't it be for you? I mean, he was pleased to hear it, but he kept lecturing me about how shameful it would be for our family to be caught participating in something so silly.)_

He doesn't tell her that he silently agrees with Michael, though he privately acknowledges that his opinion is biased by his hatred for the game. _(At least Gabriel and Balthazar are enjoying themselves.)_

She laughs and rolls her eyes while wiggling her fans into the sand. _(I've lost count of how many times he's exposed himself. Do you know what he said the first time he got an erection in front of the others?)_

Castiel shakes his head. The story hasn’t reached him yet, but he can certainly imagine.

 _(“Take a good look! One of you is going to be a very lucky in the future.”)_ Anna snorts another laugh, the sound of it muffled through the water. _(How do you think Balthazar is going to take it when it happens to him?)_

 _(You didn't hear?)_ He turns his head to look at her while he shuffles his back-fans into the sand. _(It happened yesterday during training. He was grappling with Muriel and she kept rubbing up against him.)_

 _(Oh no. What did he do?)_ She stops to stare at him with wide eyes.

Castiel shares the memory through the kin-connection, letting Anna see the same that he did. It's a short memory, but she bursts out laughing the moment Balthazar starts chasing Muriel. He shares the rest of it, letting her know that Muriel was sentenced to swimming four laps of the trench while Balthazar had to go deal with his erection before having to do the same – but only after Muriel was done.

 _(Mother-sea help anyone who tries to tease a reaction out of Lucifer.)_ Anna manages after she's calmed down again and moved on to rubbing handfuls of sand against her skin and scales. _(He might end up scarring them for life. They’ll never try to attract a mate after he’s done with them.)_

Lucifer has always been very intense with everything that he does. He's a bit of a trickster, like Gabriel, but he shares in Michael's seriousness. It's always hit or miss with trying to determine how he'll react to a situation. He might very well chase them like Balthazar did before they ever manage to garner any kind of reaction out of him.

After several moments of silence, Anna's thoughts turn serious and she pokes Castiel with the end of her tail. _(No one has tried anything on you yet, have they?)_ She can't be with him at all times, but at least one of his siblings is usually with him when he's swimming between their daily tasks.

He's seen other females his age watching him and caught the dregs of their conversations when they’re foolish enough not to be speaking privately. So far none of the females have actively tried to play the game with him as their target. Castiel lives in fear of the day they do. He can't always go everywhere with his siblings or friends. One day, he's going to be caught alone with a female and they're going to find out just how broken he is.

 _(I can’t believe you didn’t wait for me.)_ Castiel looks over his shoulder as Balthazar kicks up a cloud of sand around them when he pulls to his fans flare to come to a sudden stop. _(I told you during breakfast that I was coming with you.)_ He frowns pointedly at Anna.

 _(I forgot. Sorry.)_ She shrugs and turns back to Castiel. _(You really should just get it over with. Once they see you, they won’t bother you again.)_

Balthazar huffs and flicks a small rock at Anna as he lays back in the sand, rushing to catch up. _(Are you guys still talking about the game?)_

 _(What else would we be talking about?)_ Anna flicks the stone back at him as she folds her tail up to get at the underside.

_(She’s right, Cassie. Just let them see your penis and they’ll be out of your hair after that. It’s not embarrassing or anything, you know? You’re not the first male to do it and you won’t be the last.)_

Castiel shakes his head and diligently works the sand against his scales. He’s thought about it for so many days and rotations and he still can’t figure out a way to tell his family that he just doesn’t find females attractive. No matter how hard he tries, or stares, or imagines, it just doesn’t work. He doesn’t feel a tingle in his belly or the tightening of his sheath. There’s no reaction and it scares him.

 _(You’re my brother, Cassie.)_ Balthazar sits up and shakes the loose sand from his hair and his back-fan. _(You’ve got good genes. We’re all going to grow up gorgeous and you’re going to knock those females out with how amazing you are. Right, Anna?)_

She snorts, but a fond agreement fills the kin-connection. _(Absolutely.)_

He doesn’t have the heart to tell either of them that he hasn’t even had a conscious erection yet, though he thinks it might have happened a few nights ago while he was sleeping. Castiel had woken up suddenly from a dream he couldn’t remember with a strange scent in the water. His whole body had felt warm, his chest had been tight, and there was a fading ache in his sheath. Be that as it may, Castiel hasn’t actually seen his own penis yet.

Shaking his head, he gives his brother and sister a warm smile. If he tells them, they’ll only worry and he can’t bring himself to share the weight on his shoulders.

*

After another few rotations, Castiel finally works up the courage to talk to someone about it. He wants to talk to Father, but he’s always busy. A well known fact in the colony is that his father rarely leaves the council’s auditorium, especially since Mother died. Father has even stopped sleeping on the shelf they shared. Sometimes Castiel sees Father swimming from a distance, and at least once a rotation he comes to share a meal with them, but he’s always so reserved. Father just sits and listens to them talk while they eat, gathered on one of the stages in the auditorium.

The surest way of getting an audience with Father is to go through Michael. He’s the only one out of all of them who gets to see Father daily. And the best way to get a hold of Michael is to wait for him on his sleep-shelf. Before his courage can leave him, Castiel spends almost a whole evening sitting on the edge of the shelf to wait.

He stares out into the dark of the trench, tracking the glows of the other members of the colony as they swim. If he concentrates and dims his own glow enough to lessen the glare in the water around him, Castiel can just make out the faint light of the fin-kin resting on their shelves on the other side of the trench. Looking down, he can see the red eel-like twist of the volcanic vent far below him.

 _(Castiel?)_ Michael’s surprises lances through the kin-connection when he finally arrives. _(Why are you –)_ His concern suddenly flares brightly and he immediately looks Castiel over from the top of his head to the tip of his tail. _(What’s wrong? Is everything alright?)_

 _(Everything is fine.)_ He smiles and slides off the edge of the shelf, rolling his tail to rise above it slightly in case Michael suggests he sit with him. _(I just need to talk to you.)_

The exhaustion is evident in Michael’s mind. He’s had a long day full of training and Castiel can feel his desire to sleep. Even so, Michael still smiles and drifts over to his sleep-groove. He settles into it and pats the stretch of stone next to him. _(Tell me what’s on your mind, Castiel.)_

He curls his tail under him as he settles onto the shelf. _(Actually, I was hoping you would be able to arrange a time when I could talk with Father.)_ Castiel allows a small portion of his nervous worry to filter into the kin-connection, lending a sense of urgency to his request.

Michael sits up slowly and he looks Castiel over again, this time much more slowly. _(Father is very busy and he’s –)_ He glances away briefly as his thoughts hesitate, the spines of his fans flexing. _(He’s not himself lately. Is this something you can’t talk to me about?)_

Castiel shifts and pulls the fold of his tail to his chest again. Though he would prefer to speak with their Father, Michael is in line and training to be the next council leader and head of the colony. He’s leagues more mature than any of Castiel’s other siblings and if there was anyone he should talk to in his family besides Father, it would be him. Even if Michael can’t give him the answer he wants or needs, at least he would be able to take the matter to Father. If he knows how troubled Castiel is, maybe he’ll come to talk to him outside of their shared once-a-rotation meal.

With a deep breath to steady himself, Castiel drops all the walls caging his worry and fears. He lets them fill the kin-connection and if he were braver, he would watch how Michael reacts. Instead he focuses on the tip of his tail and tries to get his end-fans to lay flat against the shelf, rippling their edges in an attempt to smooth the creases away. He doesn’t look up again until understanding flows back to him through their link.

 _(Do you want to hear what I have to say about this?)_ Michael leans forward on his hands, dipping his head to meet Castiel’s eyes. _(Or would you rather I take this to Father and ask for him to come and speak with you?)_

He shrugs and absently rolls one of the adipose-fins along the side of his tail between his fingers. _(Both?)_

 _(You’re going to worry about this whether I tell you to or not, but don’t forget that everyone is their own fin-kin.)_ Michael’s scales slip over the well worn stone as he moves to sit next to Castiel. _(This time isn’t going to be the same for everyone. You shouldn’t think that you’re weird or broken just because you’re developing a little differently.)_ After a pause, he bumps their shoulders together. _(Look at Gabriel, for example. He’s the only one our age with that disgusting addiction to sweet snails and nobody thinks any differently of him for it.)_

Castiel snorts a small laugh and gives Michael a weak smile. It’s hardly a proper comparison, but it does help to hear that his oldest brother understands his worries and doesn’t judge him for it. His gratitude is like a wave through the kin-connection and it only makes Michael smile wider.

 _(I promise I’ll bring your worries to Father and try and get him to come talk to you soon.)_ That worry flickers through his thoughts again and he looks out at the open darkness beyond his shelf. _(I think the loss of Mother is starting to affect him. I haven’t told anyone yet, but half my teachings are from other council members now; Raphael, Metatron, even Remiel and Raziel are helping out.)_

 _(Aren’t they planning on resigning soon?)_ He pictures the older females with their ragged fins and wrinkled skin. They’ve been on the council longer than anyone.

_(Not until after I take the leadership. They don’t want too many new faces on the council before I’m comfortable with my new position.)_

After a moment’s hesitation, Castiel asks the question he doesn’t want to. _(It’s going to be soon, isn’t it? If Father keeps getting worse, you’re going to have to take over before you’re ready.)_ There really is no _if_ about it. Father lost a bond-mate and everyone knows what happens then. It’s surprising that he’s lasted this long, really.

 _(That’s why I don’t have the same lessons as you. I have much to learn and little time to learn it.)_ He sighs and muffles a yawn under his hand. _(You’re welcome to stay the night here, if you’d like.)_

It’s been a while since he curled up with one of his siblings. Castiel curls himself over and under Michael as they get comfortable. The sleep-groove is meant for one, but they make it work. It’s nice to fall asleep to the heartbeat of another against his side-fan again and even with his worries about himself and Father, he still manages to fall asleep.

*

While waiting for his turn to spar, Castiel floats in line alongside the others of his year included in this lesson. After talking with Michael, he’s been wondering if this really is as normal as he said it was. It’s been so many rotations and nothing has changed. He doesn’t find females any more attractive now than when they were told things were going to start changing soon.

If anything, Castiel finds his gaze lingering on the males more than anything. Especially when they’re sparing and their fans are flared, their glows bright. It’s a worrying thought that sneaks into the back of his mind that, if pressed, he might say that he thinks the strong form of a male is more attractive to him than the sleek curves of a female.

Really, it’s a silly thought and Castiel forces it from his mind as the pair next to him are called forward to grapple. He decides that he can’t be attracted to males. There’s no biological purpose to it. Mating would be impossible and nothing would come of it. Of course he knows that males and females can mate outside of the breeding season for their own pleasure, but it’s still impossible to do with two males. Isn’t it?

No. It’s impossible and a waste of time to even contemplate it.

Castiel buries the thought deep in his mind and forces himself to forget he ever thought of it.

*

Castiel manages to make it another few rotations before the females find the chance corner him. Father hasn’t talked to him yet and Michael keeps promising that it will be soon. But by now the females have gotten most, if not all, the other males of Castiel’s age caught in their game.

It’s seemed unimportant over the last few days and that’s why Castiel thought it would be safe to swim from the lessons about the songs of their colony to weapons training without anyone else. If he had known that the females were just biding their time, he would’ve asked someone to wait behind with him while he was talking to one of the instructors.

 _(You’re the last one, Castiel.)_ His heart sinks at the announcement asHael swims a slow circle around him. Rachel, Muriel, and a half dozen other females block all directions. If he tried to make a break for it, they would be able to stop him with little effort.

 _(Please leave me alone.)_ With all the other males his age already having been seen, there’s no one else to take the attention away from him. He turns away from Hael and glances around at the other females, hoping they’ll listen. _(I have to get to training now.)_

Rachel swims closer and rolls her adipose-fins in what should be an enticing way. Castiel barely notices it. _(Just show us and we’ll leave you alone. We just want to see it.)_

 _(If I choose to mate with any of you, you’ll see it then.)_ He turns away from her too and reaches out through the kin-connection, stretching his thoughts beyond the net of females around him and sifting into the collective flow of the colony to call for his siblings.

Castiel shuts the females out of his mind and twists away from them if they get to close. He flares his fans threateningly if anyone actually touches him and that gets them to back off slightly, but they continue to dance around him in dizzying circles, calling his name through the water when they realize he’s cut them from the kin-connection.

His chest feels tight and it’s hard to push the water through his gills properly. He’s uncomfortable. This is unpleasant and he doesn’t want to be here but he can’t leave without potentially hurting one of them. As unhappy as he is to be in this situation, he doesn’t want to actually hurt anyone. All Castiel wants for them to do is _stop_ and they’re not listening to him.

They scatter when Gabriel approaches with their training instructor at his side. While the instructor goes after the females, Gabriel circles Castiel carefully before touching his arm. _(You alright, little bro?)_

 _(I thought they were told not to do that anymore.)_ He shakes himself out and tries to smile, but he’s far from alright. Castiel had been scared – _terrified_ that someone was going to find out. They were going to see that he doesn’t react to them and it would spread through the colony that the youngest son of the colony leader was _broken._

Father hasn’t come to see him yet and only Michael knows about his worries. But nothing has changed. _Nothing_. Even the instructor’s lecture and the stern warning of his siblings does nothing to get the females to leave him alone. The only place they don’t bother him or wait for him is on his sleep-shelf. Those are private places and everyone in the colony respects that boundary.

There’s only one thing that gets the females to leave him alone and Castiel wishes it had been anything else but that. He’s in the middle of learning the songs of the colony, listening to the instructors sing the notes, when the notice tears through the kin-connection. It rocks him in place as the cry rises through the trench and a terrible song echoes against the walls.

The last time Castiel heard this song, it was when Mother died. He’s heard it before whenever they’ve lost a member of the colony either from old age or other circumstances. Castiel was younger then and it didn’t really matter until Mother died. When the song spreads through their home, his heart sinks and he shares a worried look with Balthazar. Is this it? Did Father finally lose his mind? It’s been almost a season since Mother’s death and some were starting to doubt if he actually had ever made the bond with her.

Together they break away from the lesson, swimming hard toward the auditorium at one end of the trench. Anna, Gabriel, and Lucifer join them from their own training lessons. They find Michael sitting on one of the stages rising along the walls of the gathering place. Metatron is next to him, a heavy hand on his shoulder, while the remaining members of the council are gathered at the dais in the center of the auditorium. Their minds are closed to the kin-connection.

 _(What happened?)_ Lucifer all but demands as they group around Michael. _(Where’s Father?)_

Michael gives them a weary, sad look. _(He went to relieve himself and didn’t return.)_ He opens his arms to Anna when she makes a choked noise and folds her against his chest as he continues. _(That was earlier today. The council sent warriors looking for him and they’ve searched the whole trench. They can’t find him.)_

Castiel’s noses stings and there’s a pressure behind his eyes. He crumples to the stage next to them and is barely aware that it’s Gabriel who holds him when the tears come. Balthazar leans heavily into his side and Castiel absently curls his tail over him, groping back to get his arm around his shoulders. They all knew this was coming and yet none of them are prepared for the cold weight in their chests of the knowledge that they’re never going to see their father again.

*

The days following Father’s disappearance all blur together. Castiel spends his nights with his siblings in a pile on Michael’s shelf, seeking comfort in their touch and their minds. They’ve all been excused from their lessons for a rotation and everyone is extremely nice to them. Even the females have completely backed off, stopping Castiel only to offer their condolences and apologies.

After their rotation of grieving, a small ceremony is held where they cover their father’s sleep-shelf with stones and shells in his memory. The shelf will go unused until Michael’s firstborn will be old enough to start their lessons for taking over as colony leader.

Michael is nowhere near ready to take over as the head of the council. There are still many long lessons for him to learn and he won’t be considered an adult until their first mating season. That’s still at least seven seasons away. In the meantime, his lessons are to continue and he is going to be an unofficial part of the council.

Until then, the leadership of the colony falls to Remiel until Michael is old enough to begin the coronation – a process that Castiel does not envy him for. It will require many rotations, possibly even a whole season, of getting the scars that will mark him as the colony leader carved into his skin. They’ll be done in the deepest cave the colony has and the entire trench will be on alert for anything that might be attracted by the scent of his blood in the water.

That’s a long way off, but Castiel can’t help thinking about it when he lies awake in the pile of his siblings. His mind continues to twist, thinking about the fate of the colony and how everyone seems to have forgotten all about the nonsense of puberty. He refuses to think it, let alone say it, but the only good thing that has come from his father leaving is that the females no longer bother him.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that his secret is any more or less safe. Eventually, if nothing changes, someone besides Michael is going to know. Someone is going to find out that there’s something broken in him. It will likely happen during their first mating season. If he has no interest in the females by then, he doubts he’ll pick anyone to mate with.

They’re not expected to breed in their first season, but before or afterwards, if he doesn’t mate with any of the females, the rumours are going to spread. Everyone is going to know and they’ll talk. They’ll say that he’s going to be mate-less the rest of his life. None of the females are going to want to be with someone who isn’t attracted to them.

He’s going to be alone. Forever.

Castiel doesn’t like the thought and it pinches around his heart, but he knows it’s true. If he can’t fix himself, if he remains _broken_ , he’s never going to find himself a mate. He’ll be alone. He’ll always have his siblings, and his friends, but he’ll never have a connection beyond that. It’s a cold, heavy pain in his chest and before he falls asleep, Castiel makes one decision that – for someone so young – might shape his life completely.

He doesn’t know if he’ll ever change, but he can devote his life to the colony. He can work hard and train harder, and become the best warrior that he can be. He can protect his colony and his family, and give his life for them.

It’s really the only option left to him.


End file.
